Another Supercouple Emerges, Sponge Girl Rejoices

Speaking on behalf of all mankind, Sponge Girl has expressed her unbridled joy at the news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman - both close associates of the wonderfully wascally superstar - are dating.

"It's tremendous, it restores the balance to the universe. The unholy TomKat continues to shower the world with ignorance and stupidity, preparing for an allmighty showdown with the soul-achingly "humanitarian" Brangelina - and as has been foreseen, in their attempt to out-tabloid each other they will cause despair and destruction, killing about two thirds of the world's population. After the carnage, a couple of such overwhelming brilliance and kindness as Nat and Jake will be able to lead mankind to renewed civilisation, using their magnificent guiding tools of Ambiguous Sexuality and Universal Grammar," explained Sponge Girl.

"I think that's good enough news to warrant another chocolate biscuit, don't you?" she then suggested.

As a result today has been declared the International Have Another Chocolate Biscuit Day.

"Do it for your country," reminds Sponge Girl.