Thursday, April 13, 2006

Sponge Girl Protests, Britney "Mothers"

Sponge Girl has staged a midnight vigil outside Britney Spears' house in Los Angeles after it was revealed that neither Britney nor her partner Kevin Fuggerline had noticed their son Sean had had a fractured skull for six days. Sponge Girl started the vigil together with Natalie Portman, beloved superwoman who used the time to also become fluent in Norwegian, and the twosome were joined during the night by approximately seven hundred people, including Cameron Diaz, the Wiggles and a busload of tourists who though they were waiting for David Hasselhoff.

When asked what she felt was the best course of action to safeguard young Sean, Sponge Girl could not offer a definitive answer: "You see, unless Cletus and Brandine here clean up their act someone would have to adopt him - and since Angelina is to our best knowledge carrying a Caucasian child she already has a complete set. The only other alternative for leaving the child with these two is even more frightening... "

While Sponge Girl refused to elaborate, Ms Portman choked back tears as she explained the only other alternative: "Tom and Katie. I think it's pretty obvious that she's not really pregnant , so they will need a real baby pretty damn quick. The consequences are just too horrific to contemplate. So that's why we're here - we're not trying to take the kid away from her, we know there is a greater evil out there waiting to get its hands on him. We just want her to wake up and smell the Cheetos. Look after your child, girl. Protect him from He Of Couch-Jumping Fame."

In other news, Tom Cruise is said to be campaigning for having Sean removed from Britney's and Kevin's custody. "It's time someone who's not living in fantasyland, someone who has a new movie out, to care for that child," reported Mr Cruise's aide.

10 Comments:

At 11:46, Blogger Jellyfish said...

Natalie Portman...who used the time to also become fluent in Norwegian,

Haha! How smoothly you slipped that one in there! GO NATALIE GO YOU ARE THE GREATEST ETC.

I can't agree, however, with her decision to give the kid to the freakiest freaks in freaksville. How can you say that's the only option? What about Ang and Brad? Or Ewan and Eve (they just adopted a mongolian kid, would you believe, so another traumatised child shouldn't be too much of a stretch)? Or Gwyn and Chris? They might even rename lil Sean something really... special. 'Cos something tells me that is going to be one 'special' kid. If you know what I mean.

 
At 18:08, Blogger Mirri said...

Well as Spongie pointed out, Angelina's already had her round of baby pokemon - she's collected all the different ones to make a full set.
Ewan's got four of his own, and now a token asian adoptee, so I don't think he'd go for lil Sean Preston. Adopting Mongolian kids is just much cooler than collecting hillbillies.
Gwyn and Chris, I'll pretend you didn't even say that. What with hillbilly genes and being renamed PartyPie or some other name Gwyn finds cute at the mo, the poor kid would be the one picked on even by Jacko's kids.
But then again TomKat isn't a valid option either. That's just... wrong.
I'd say Brit, you better shape up, 'cause you need a man who's not such an inspiration for the prophylactic industries. The man probably has an apology letter from Durex as a birth certificate.

 
At 11:36, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

Oooh, jelly! And oh, Natalie. I think everyone needs a bit of renaissance girl now and then. Intravenously if no other method is available.

Mirri, well argued. What a great row of kids that would be - Apple, Moses and PartyPie. Still, better than the inevitable Cheddar Seabass Cruise.

...And we all thought Paris Hilton was the worst example of living advertising space.

Anonymous, shoo. Go suck a pineapple.

 
At 04:56, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Oh my! We must save the child from the grips of Tom and his alien posse! Methinks this is an assignment for the Ladeez! Poor, poor child!

 
At 06:43, Blogger Marcia said...

this post totally rocked my world. Just FYI.

I want to be friends with you, Sponge Girl!

 
At 10:59, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

MizB - Just heard over the grapevine that TomKat got their hands on a baby girl. I detect foul play...

Also, just thought I'd let you know that you sparkle with goodness and light.

Marcia - oooh, I blush! Come in, look out for the ferrets and take a seat. Can I get you some tea?

 
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