Thursday, April 20, 2006

But What About Baby Shields?:Sponge Girl

Sponge Girl has made an impassioned plea to UNICEF and the CIA, demanding action be taken due to the arrival of "cruise-baby" Suri.

"First of all, the child's name is the imperfect tense, in third person singular, of the Finnish verb to mourn. And if that isn't evidence enough, it can't be any coincidence that Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl the very same day Katie Holmes' pillow is supposed to have morphed into a - du-du-DUM! - baby girl."

Brooke Shields was famously attacked by Tom Cruise for basically being a non-crazy perfectly normal human being after the birth of her first child, and there had been some speculation of Cruise interfering with Shields' new pregnancy. Sponge Girl is the first one, though, to suggest that Ms Holmes' pregnancy had been concocted to mirror Ms Shields' one, so a crafty babynapping could take place.

"You know, like those crazy people who start kidnapping babies so they can convince their deadbeat boyfriends to stay with them 'cause they're a family now? Yeah, like that, but the 'boyfriend' here is the public, and 'crazy person' is Tom Cruise," elaborated Sponge Girl.

ADDENDUM:

As if Sponge Girl's linguistically genious, grammatically correct observations on the poor kid's name are not enough...

In extra special news comes this little tidbit about how - even if you're perfectly happy to make up horse shit about psychology, medication and sex - you should always do your research when you're naming "your" baby. But surely Mr Cruise will have a perfect come-back to the so-called "linguists". After all, how can you claim to know anything if you don't believe deep-fried aliens inhabit your body?

10 Comments:

At 12:42, Blogger Doug The Una said...

I'm guessing the baby will be asian.

 
At 11:15, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

Ooh, typo! I'm sure you meant "alien".

Good to see you again. May have to reciprocate (sorry, been a bit incommunicado recently...) right about now.

 
At 12:36, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

Hm, some of the links don't seem to be working today. Perhaps 'tis but a passing folly.

 
At 04:50, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Being part Iranian I can also atest to the fact that the name ain't no Persian name meaning "red rose" either...

Tom Cruise is creepy, CREEPY I say!

Were I in Brooke's shoes I would have RUN from that hospital! Ay!

 
At 09:01, Blogger Doug The Una said...

No, Sponge Girl, I was thinking about how Michael Jackson, Mr. Cruise's soulmate, sired white children. I think this baby is asian. Wait'll you see pictures. I'll be glad if it isn't a yeti.

 
At 01:06, Blogger audrey said...

I haven't checked the links, so sorry if i'm repeating something, but Suri also means pointy nose in some indian dialects. The real issue here though is that Tom Cruise believes his thetans are more advanced than the rest of the world's and a superiority complex is the last thing any child needs no matter how much they might know about the fraudulent practise of psychiatry. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has spent $10000 stocking up on post pregnancy jeans in the size 4-6 range. If she manages to squeeze into said jeans, tis all the proof the world needs that her whole pregnancy was a big fat sham.

 
At 04:10, Blogger Helene said...

I may be one of the only people alive that really doesnt give a rats butt about these births! Idk...

 
At 00:47, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well of course he named his child "go away" and/or "pointy nosed". This just makes perfect Cruise sense.

 
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